finale: duetto

I have grown up... no longer a child to my greatest dismay...

As we grow up, we judge more.. others judges us more, we judges others more and most importantly, we judge ourselves most..

In what manner do we present to others? Is my manners adequate? What others think of me? If I do this, do I leave an impression of sth? Judgment leads to pretence, pretence is nothing but the greatest barrier to my communication..

Can we judge less? Sadly no coz we are already adults... we all well noe the hans anderson’s fable of emperor new clothes, I think I mentioned b4, even though we noe the moral of the story, if we are on the scene, we still do not have the innocence or honesty of the child to proclaim that emperor is naked... We would judge ourselves.. If I blurted this out and laugh out loud.. pple will say I dunno how to appreciate the best costume.. pple will think I rude.. pple will think I weird... Since when does falsity and hypocrisy become an inseparable part of life? They crept surreptitiously into our subconscious...

Singapore, metropolitan city, like a gigantic shopping mall... shop for all material comforts and symbol of wealth... shop for everything that can be bought with money but nothing bought can fill up the spiritual void of mine. Today, we have the luxury of house, luxury of cars (at least bus for me now), luxury of food but we have lost the fundamentals.. the luxury of companionship, the luxury of peace, the luxury of intimacy, the luxury of time.

I sometimes feel so compelled by my emotions... they never fail to haunt me.. it is ever so turbulent, like the swirling twirling restless strokes of van Gough, just that I cannot produce any art piece or music or literature or anything representative. I nvr suffered any real setbacks failure or pain.. but y do I have so much thoughts? I think it is just because that I nid to feel sth to fill up the spiritual gap. therefore I constant seek ways to vent and channel and so lucky I got music and arts for my companionship.

when dealing with people, I tend to be worry-free tigger. I rarely or nvr showed disgruntled face before. My behaviour, my face, my expression and my thoughts stereotyped me this way.. just like no one can imagine mr bean acting in a tragic film... (Btw, i am not really so antisocial.. but it is easy to find friends to share joy but hard to find true friends with whom I can comfortably share woes and thought..) But to myself, I am qed, cos I really hope that life can be quite easily done. Like a maths formula.. simple and clean.. In the twentieth century, there is a movement called surrealism which means that presenting 'self' or emotions that is without artifice or logical reasoning.. tis without any repressed feeling.. I think when alone, that is when I am surreal and I m thoughtful reflective and full of crap..

K. Enuff of crap.. I changed music.. Duet by Mendelssohn in Songs Without Words played my me.. Share with you lar..

Eh bien? I think nid to thank you again.. if no one reading, I dun think I would have lasted so long.. (and wasted so much of my time writing lengthy crap) and haha I still dun really know you.. How intriguing! I ought to noe you from the HSA-JC thingy but din.. then u happen to be xr's friend? Happened to be in a neighbouring fac? Chanced upon my pitiful blog.. I would have completed the anatomy of the entire body.. Shld have reached soleus by now.. U share many interest of mine too! Haha music and I jog often though painstakingly slow too.. Sometimes no time I just climb stairs... good for soleus and gastrocnemius... (but my health advice.. Always take lift to get down! Cos knees will suffer a greater pressure.. lead to problems when old ba when synovial fluids are exhausted..) how coincidental! How cool! Hope to have known you earlier!

At last, to lengthen I present u a poem that inspired me in playing this piece..

Annabel Lee
by Edgar Allan Poe

It was many and many a year ago,
In a kingdom by the sea,
That a maiden there lived whom you may know
By the name of Annabel Lee;
And this maiden she lived with no other thought
Than to love and be loved by me.

I was a child and she was a child,
In this kingdom by the sea;
But we loved with a love that was more than love-
I and my Annabel Lee;
With a love that the winged seraphs of heaven
Coveted her and me.

And this was the reason that, long ago,
In this kingdom by the sea,
A wind blew out of a cloud, chilling
My beautiful Annabel Lee;
So that her highborn kinsman came
And bore her away from me,
To shut her up in a sepulchre
In this kingdom by the sea.

The angels, not half so happy in heaven,
Went envying her and me-
Yes!- that was the reason (as all men know,In this kingdom by the sea)
That the wind came out of the cloud by night,
Chilling and killing my Annabel Lee.

But our love it was stronger by far than the love
Of those who were older than we-
Of many far wiser than we-
And neither the angels in heaven above,
Nor the demons down under the sea,
Can ever dissever my soul from the soul
Of the beautiful Annabel Lee.

For the moon never beams without bringing me dreams
Of the beautiful Annabel Lee;
And the stars never rise but I feel the bright eyes
Of the beautiful Annabel Lee;
And so, all the night-tide, I lie down by the side
Of my darling- my darling- my life and my bride,
In the sepulchre there by the sea,
In her tomb by the sounding sea.

Imagine this while playing, got feeling sia! I wished I had his eloquence, and power of expression.. And yeah.. the playing.. still very far cry from wad I expected.. I try and improve day by day ba..

My poignant banal tirade has ended for good.. Lasted one hour.. i shall blog no longer.. At least for the nxt yr... or nxt two years? Or for life? Time will tell... (sound familiar? I am at a loss of words..)

Q.E.D. 27 May 2007

P.S. dun comment or tag (anyway is is impossible to do so now) as I dun think I will return to this blog in the near future....

scherzo

haha.. ur blog then very entertaining lor.. LOL! hahaha.. lion king.. hmm u got new shoes so good!.. mine still from army.. free one.. i thot specs gives a quite an intellectual look? hmm oh well probably coz i m a nerd.. haha.. shldnt listen to my comments otherwise u will look nerdy too.. hahaha..

xr's blog oso always in such a happy chirpy mood.. she oso very optimistic.. haha.. she shared the pps program thingy.. online tv really nice to watch leh.. quite addicted.. i think i shld watch nuren someday even though i think very boring.. nxt time wan to shoot botox must noe how to cheat female customers.. now every gp is got dermatolo diploma to shoot botox.. sighz.. business will be hard..

rj's leh? fluctuate with time ba... sometimes happy sometimes greyish mood..

eggie's.. short and succinct.. like his gp or o level essay.. always shorter than all the pple but always higher mark than mine..

oh yeah.. tok abt my course first.. tis on psychology! self awareness! so fun! i love such probing qn.. wah din noe i think quite a lot like those great masters.. haha.. i think i m quite a person in conflict.. sorta struggle coz i introvert and.......... BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH..

ok enuff blahing.. cut short.. now i m gettin more efficient at bloggin le! eh? i got nothing else to blog le leh.. haha

such a boring person.. ok i continue.. i believe in social constructionism.. that is society or social group mould my character over time.. esp for me who adapt to different situation and conform to the social norm and .......... BLAH.

even shorter.

haha one yr in med le.. comfortable with the environment? ha. guess so.. got used to it le.. glad that got one of my very good friend in sec sch as my classmate now.. eh dunno y all best friends are made in sec sch or jc.. probably kids are more artless and friendship built are more pure.. we judge less.. no motives.. friends are just buddies for life.. BLAH. or one yr not enuff for me to make friends who can be counted as true friends..

ok yeah.. i think i will stop bloggin at least for sometime on 27 may.. till be exactly two years since my first entry... try to have 50 entries.. now already 48

oh.. i haven say y i compare the blogs le.. i think mine is the most boring and reflective which is inedible for human consumption.. therefor nvr share with other pple other than u who chanced upon this..

really pardon me if i nvr entertain u haha coz i sometimes feel quite tired.. BLAH! but really thank you for reading! in life we dun always nid solutions, sometimes we just nid a listening ear or.. kpo eyes?.. haha (awkward laugh)..

kz not funny

zen

my calligraphy tchr always so kind.. give me extra time for the whole afternoon..

today draw lotus leaves again.. very refreshing

yest go museum oso see lotus.. artist use chinese painting style but use oil on canvas as medium.. cool.. got a bit rainy taste..

like these style.. chinese painting feel refreshing cos use more of cool colours and black ink and water.. feel watery and fresh, quite scholarly oso.. western more warm coz use more warm colour and oil with glaze.. feel more sunny, homely n shiny..

most paintings do not show tranquility but mostly demonic and perturbed and agitated feel.. most famous music like chopin's are oso sorta desperate and depressed feel.. is it really true that being happy cannot give depth to a composition and we are more numb toward happiness, thats y we cannot feel joy as strong as sadness and pain?

nvm.. all do not matter.. not bad.. i think i found myself a second wife.. music first wife.. art second.. this blog probably third ba... but i think i m goin to sack my third wife sooner or later unless i can improve on my engish..

haha nxt time muz go museum again.. feel quite cultured and feel like a connoisseur of fine art.. even though i noe nuts.. nus syllabus lacks balance.. i study med for five yrs but my lvl of culture appreciation will still be at sec school level.. how sad.. tts y i nid depend on myself to enhance it myself.. otherwise i will just be a butcher wielding knives on pple.. humanities teach us to be humans, tis a lesson not to be missed...

xq introduced some new age music by bandari.. very nice! listening to it many times liaoz.. her composition oso very touching.. got 'the' mood.. really wish tt she will succeed in that.. haha what is success? i think as a recreation, be able to share and be able to enjoy the process can be considered the greatest success.. recognition may be secondary ba.. but of course got even better.. it is more of a materialised form of success..

ok.. nxt week still got sch.. still got exam on fri.. it count 5 percent to yr 5 results.. tis quite good to have a change during a long holiday, isn't it?

spring wind II

first, lemme start by thanking guanyin..

guanyin is like spring wind, clearing my thought that shroud my mind..

egg and xr qiu xian but i din coz i dunno wad to qiu for..

they all prayed but i din coz i dunno wad to pray for..

haha.. but on mrt on the way home suddenly my mind cleared.. probably not due to guanyin but i thank her nevertheless...

eh.. suddenly understand the idea of sadness.. my principle is: it always occurs when outcome do not meet expectations.. i feel depressed more easily now coz my expectations are higher for myself and even expect others to behave in a way i hoped.. high expectations makes me strive but when some outcomes cannot be controlled by me, i still have such unreasonable expectations for myself.. so if i can change the outcome by my effort, i will still do what ever it takes, but if i cannot, y not just let the raindrops coalesce slowly into a stream and merge to form river and sea?

i learn to change my expectations when outcomes cannot be changed..

not that i will not feel sad from now on, but i will be more aware.. like this hols, very busy.. i expect hols to be laid back and slack... outcome not true.. i feel sad.. but if i change expectations of a holiday to be making everyday meaningful and do what i enjoy doing, then i am! outcome=expectations=happy!

haha.. oso got some good luck today with final exam results.. thanks to guanyin!

oso must thank guanyin for the frenz i went out today with!

there is so many things in life to be thankful for.. so many taken granted for.. like health.. i very skeptical about books like Tuesday with Morrie cos tis just a feel-good anesthetize-me-for-a-moment book.. haha.. i think these feelings are real only when i experience them myself, not when someone tells me about it..

oh well, i m goin back to thank guanyin nxt time! religions i may not believe in but it does not mean they do not exist.. i have always been respectful and grateful..

spring wind

changed music.. now playing.. spring wind played by lang lang.. wonderful interpretation.. every phrase, i can imagine a picture and the pictures flashes past like a movie..

not long ago then did i begin to appreciate the different renditions by different artists... unlike pop music or songs with lyrics, these music provide a great range of imagination.. different pple play same tune but different pictures or moods are conveyed.. wonderful.. las time i thot conductor only give beat, quite useless.. but now i understand he is the essence, he gives meaning to the piece and touches the heart of the audience with his own interpretations..

oh well, i like this piece.. tis again a contemporary chinese piece.. i like debussy impressionistic style of composition and also the chinese folklore type of song.. this is a combination therefore i like it best!

i imagined, i was an explorer trying to conquer high mountains, the cold wind slashes my face like knives.. i m shivering in coldness and in fear.. i was beginning to lose hope.. just then a warm spring breeze mingled with the fragrance of flowers wafted up to me and caressed my cheeks... so dreamy, so sweet, so tender, i feel at ease.. i am smitten with love.. i wanted to capture it so that it accompanies me throughout my journey.. but tis transient, elusive and intangible.. it brushed past me and faded into the distance.. the peak was still as far, but i feel tis closer and more reachable.. cold wind could hurt me no more as the feeling of warmth always lingers in my mind.. but i know i will never meet spring wind again.. not in my lifetime.. for it has gone with the wind..

tis how i enjoy and appreciate music, not a conventional or professional way, but i really feel touched by it..

today, or yest, i begin to lose a bit of focus again... i think though i m emotional at times, i can control it well.. i only let it flow out through music.. haha.. in this way, no one will understand it! probably listeners will have a different understanding.. mum say i m quite absorbed into the music huh.. yep! i tried to have a string of pictures that continuously flashing b4 my eyes, and i try to describe them with my fingers.. sigh, but the pictures are still rather naive... childish stories..

oh well, feeling quite poignant today.. but tomorrow will be better.. as dawn breaks, i will start afresh in my journey..

☭ forge on! ☭ for great expectations i seek, i know there are sacrifices to be made.. but the joy in the process of seeking overrides the sacrifices.. i really shld not attempt at zero-sum games..

i am an indecisive person, or i am a cautious person in making decisions, but once decisions are made, i always stick to it.. (haha.. yet i still wrote this senseless entry even though i decided to isolate myself for one week..)

(如有雷同,纯属巧合。。) ☮

presto

time dilutes, time heals but time never forgives..

got a no. of things to do.. not enuff time, how precious time is..

not that i m gonna die but this hols is the last long hol which i can do sth that i really wan to do.. i have whole blocks of time to myself..

keeping myself really really busy.. how good is life without medical texts.. bon vivant! but there is a promise that i have made for my life and i have to devote myself to this job.. (sound sacrificial but haha.. i myself am skeptical)

so last hols..

every second counts..

oh well i shld blog abt sth more substantial..

went to istana to support my pri sch brass band.. cant forget those days where i spent so many days hitting that stupid triangle.. joined for four mths.. quit immediately after syf.. last time we got bronze probably coz of me.. now they are gold with honour band.. tchr very happy see me.. i very happy see him.. we all very happy.. we have a happy day.

leggiero

really happy these day.. found that life can be soooo meaningful without exams..

after much soul searching, i finally found what i really enjoy in life.. that is self-expression.. eh, blogging though is a form of self-exp, it still cause more pain coz firstly my eng cmi secondly it make me dwell in thots... at least happy thoughts are better than sad thots.. eggie sound quite happy today haha i think he is gettin used to the life, in many ways, he is much better than me coz i think i really cannot tahan the two yrs.. luckily come out for a break b4 goin back in.. hmm.. i diverged.. (heh, should i have any sentence break somewhere)

i love music coz tis a process of self-expression.. i oso love art coz i think the visual dna puts it very well, tis everyday living like chair being elevated to a new level of aesthetic appreciation.. tis not sth on the wall where there is no involvement, instead, it is ingrained in the everyday living.. tis a epitome of life.. making my life really busy these days.. but really fun.. i enjoy it..

i think enjoyment comes in when one is really engrossed doing something.. anything..

y i always blog about crappy and warped philosophy.. hmm.. but i think it relates a lot to my daily life, tis just that i feel that the moral of the story is more impt than the story itself..

i suddenly noe how i blog already.. i would say.. if i do sth and make my decision on it, i will always be ready to pay the price and make up for it.. making corrections may not be a bad thing at all coz at least i noe the mistake and noe the pain of making a wrong decision..

when i actually meant: wah today very sian.. took imm bus go clementi.. in the end reach clementi i din alight coz i see some pple nvr alight.. i thot the bus may make a u-turn and stop at my side and thot i have like forty-five min to spare.. might as well take the bet and continue riding.. din bother asking the driver or other passenger oso.. wah take the bus..5 min.. nvr u turn.. 10 min.. still nvr turn.. wah 15 min STILL HAVEN U-TURN! i noe i in deep-sh*t le.. like i oni have 30 min to go back clementi.. i alighted then look around.. heng arh! i was in ginza.. i thot confirm plus chop got direct bus go clementi one lor.. since ginza in clementi region.. (para break here shld be adequate)

lucky leh (was never so lucky for 4d or toto though), i got the bus guide cum map sponsored by ntuc with me... take out check.. i then noe i was in DEEPER sh*t.. no dir bus.. i call egg he still tell me bus 30 go clementi.. after yrs of his pranks i noe nvr to trust him.. indeed if i took 30 will be in haw par villa in 30 min time n not clementi.. no choice take bus 11 lor.. wearing my army sandals, i ran for my life ( my class cost me 30 per class.. even one second is money!) .. ran and ran and ran.. in the end i should reach aye but i reach west coast highway.. WAD THE! arghgghghg! i motivated myself!!! 30 for one hour that is one min fifty cent and every second is ONE CENT SINGAPORE DOLLAR! how can i give up hope?

enlightened, i ran like in jack neo's film, yeah in the opposite direction.. all the way back to the wet market, the ginza shopping centre, the carpark, one street, one overhead bridge, nus high sch, nan hua sec, one more road, one more car park, one housing estate, cross overhead bridge over clementi road i think then across clementi swimming pool one more BLOODY carpark.. finally...

CLEMENTI! (now my mind is playing Aida's Triumphant March.. DA DI DI DA DA DA DA DA DA DA DA DA EVERY SINGLE CENT IS SAVED! HAHAHAHA!)

i have deciphered myself.. what an achievement.. what a miser though much is exaggerated and 如有雷同,纯属巧合。。

yup another long-winded boring entry..

oh yeah.. prob goin russia for hols with family...
can't wait.. tis such a romantic country! not a typically romantic but the hue of mystery and the deadly attraction of the ideal of communism and the tsar and rachmaninov and st petersburg.. i just like the mood..

france and spain probably nxt nxt destination.. both oso very romantic.. france for its arts and the Revolution! Napoleon! impressionistic art form! debussy! Spain.. love the guitar music.. the flamenco dance is hot and fiery.. the sun.. yet the most wonderful is the tinge of melancholy blended into the culture.. though the dance is fiery though the music is passionate but one can always spot the shade of sadness in the bright sunlight...

i nid to slp.. i really hate blogging.. i type too slow and tok non-stop.. i prefer other forms of self-expression..

agitato

*can skip first part, read after asterisk..

nvr understand human nature.. las time, i nvr do homework then i say the day b4 i do liao.. then my mum say u yesterday eat liao y u still eat today..

i used to take it as a joke but now no longer.. greediness is always insatiable.. there is no satiety centre in our brain to tell us that tis enough.. tis never enough.. yest i eat, today i will forget the feeling of fullness and want to eat again.. like man has leg, but he longs for wheels, then he got wheels, but he longs to have wings..

greediness may not be bad though.. if used on the good side.. that is the drive factor to push him forward..

life is oso like a rpg game.. not that i play a lot though.. i only have the patience to complete one game.. train train train.. fight big boss... amass money amass money amass money.. spend spend spend... train heal train.. fight bigger boss... fight bigger bigger boss.. fight biggest boss.. end game... one buy rpg main aim not to win boss but to aim to fight bigger and bigger boss.. life is goal oriented but most of the time tis spend on the process of achieving the goal... if one dunno how to enjoy the process, he will always be in a state of misery...

i used to be liddat, only like the sensation of winning the boss, but now i begin to enjoy the process of preparation and looking forward to the bigger boss...

life oso like music.. i hope tis as moto perpetuo as baroque, as simplistic and childlike like mozart classical music, as passionate as romatic era, as avant garde and creative as contempory piece.. oh yeah! tan dun is coming to town! got symphony sth to do with maps and paper percussion.. he is famous for using water and stones to make music.. really an avant garde.. but tics like very ex again... yeah haven finish my analogy, composers write passionate music to evoke the sensation of listeners but they themselves are the sanest creatures and the most rational creatures around.. despite beethoven and chopin messy haircut, in my belief, their pieces are creations of reasoning and not purely inspirational.. creativity is like spark and fire can only be sustained with gas that is reasoning.. chord progressions and repeated editing can only create masterpieces.. Now education is always creative creative creative, but creativity come out from fundamentals and accumulation of knowledge not thin air.. diligence and rational thinking should take hold of life.. not only inspiration and passion.. use big brain or cerebrum to think, not only cerebellum..

come across a psycho test using pic.. thought of doin, add some pics to make my blog less morbid.. tis still morbid nevertheless...

blogging makes me more morbid though.. i feel that i have like split personality and talk to myself more often.. or soliloquys.. like 'tg, this this this...' then the second voice come in.."no shld be tt tt tt" Is that normal? i nid to study psychiatry b4 i can find out..

*ok.. now as how a normal person shld blog i shall blog...

today very happy buy new clothes with mum.. but my leg too long and slim, like arachnid, then my waist to slim.. wah sianz.. most the trousers not long enuff to cover my skin and leg hair when sitting down.. ie got gap btw socks and pants.. aniwae got wad i wanted..
tiredness>>> happiness.. nid to learn from girls how to enjoy the process and not the goal!

tml very happy... go out with mum again.. she go enjoy brunch.. i go swim jacuzzi plus spa.. not that i rich but all are complimentary i.e. free.. then lunch will be sumptuous meal again.. haha tis good to be close with mum.. got good stuff to enjoy too.. but most impt family is really strongest pillar of support emotionally.. sth i realised over the yrs..