Thursday, June 09, 2005

rhapsody: emotions

Ha! Last one of my episodes of rhapsodies...

RTF: my emotions, a glimpse of my world...
***
In Chinese, rhapsody is 狂想曲. Since I started blogging, I find that it is quite an unhealthy habit. Well, I do start to reflect, think, comb my thoughts and emotions, however, at the same time, I also begin to understand why Hemingway shoot himself in his head.

Yeah, that's right... Thinking, pondering and feeling too much lead to crazy and insensible thoughts on apparently useless, meaningless things that you, on the contrary, feel meaningful to discuss about.

In society today, it is better to be pragmatic rather than quixotic. Just as stirring the air with a fan will never split mountains, irrational or impratical thoughts and idea will never solve any real life problems.

However, I feel impelled to finish my trilogy of rhapsodies so let me begin now.

Earlier I talked about tesknota and here is the denouement. It is nostalgia in Polish. That is something Chopin has felt... also something that the protagonist in the movie The Pianist has felt. I do not only feel nostalgia but also the sense of reminiscence. I tend to treasure too much things of the past that I sometimes get inundated by feelings of melancholy and regret.

Let me share with you a composition that I wrote in P2 and the laminated piece of drawing block paper is still pasted on the wall above my desk. I can draw pretty well at that time and it is beautifully illustrated using color pencils.

Once upon a time, there was a little girl. She was very lonely because she had just moved to a new country with her parents. She hoped to have a letter from her grandmother. Her wish came true when Mr Postman send a letter to her home. It was from her grandma. The letter made her think even more of her grandma and of the home she left behind.

Well, my life is immersed in reminiscence. I miss Beijing, Xingnan, RV, and most probably HC after I graduate. I always appears to be cynical of the present but deeply, I know someday I will miss it. I am a person of the past.

I am someone who is very vulnerable and easily assailed by my own emotions. I treasure friends, even those I may never meet again, more than they will ever know it. I feel the sense of gratitude to some people more than what I can or dare to express in words. Everyday, I face a deluge of emotions: exaltation, nostalgia, sadness, disappointment, appreciation, love, anger (but never hatred. I have not possessed it, and hope that I never will). Towards each type of feeling, I think I can write pages and pages of thoughts. They are like the rich aroma of kopi-o, so intangible yet intense.

Emotions are dangerous things. They are capable of hurling me into throes of pain and anguish. And I never feel comfortable sharing my emotional turmoil with even my closest buddy.

Today, I reached my singing teacher house in Queenstown early. I sat at the open air garden, watching pieces of clouds drifting lazily across. Ah! Sunburst, the thin streak of ray, something I loved greatly. Then the silence is disrupted insidiously, I heard the faint sound of piano, it was Bach's minuet from Notebook for Anna Magdalena Bach. The murmur of the instrument echoes and resonates somewhere deep in my memory. It reminds me of the days when I just began learning and pondered how 'twas possible to make an octave jump using that tiny fingers of mine. This is the magical moment, the time I am introduced into the realm of music.

When you are striving for spiritual perfection like music, something so intangible unlike material perfection, it is cultivates your patience, soothes your mind and assuages your pain. When practising with high concentration, 心无旁骛, the music dispels all my thoughts. When playing with feeling, my raging and poignant emotions are dissipated and sublimed into the magic I am making.

What is a better companion than music when night falls and you have no one to talk to?

Too sentimental a person I am. But with the power of music, I am confident to face the potpourri of emotions in life. My heart is forever singing till that fateful day...

Phew! I have lost all my impetus to write on any longer. Ha! I feel free now and my emotions have stopped haunting me. Let me continue to be facetious and not dwell on them any longer...
***
Back to probability:

Case 1: If you taken time off to read my nagging, you have just perused my thoughts just like what I did when I wrote. I am eternally grateful for your care for my well-being. Really...

Case 2: If you have not read, well, I am just the jovial person that you know of!

Let me end with a html code.

!-- End #content --

Ha! Lame enough.

QED.
N.B. Third and last time crapping about my thoughts. Even if you like reading this type of stuff, I will not write on thoughts anymore... It is too hurting to write and hurt me no longer.

Clarification: My life isn't so elegiac as what it sound in this entry. I very much do have an upbeat ambience of life. Look, in any piece of music, to me, there are always more ascending than descending notes. It celebrates life, the most wonderful creation in this world. Emotions are part of it and I enjoy them!