QED

finale: duetto

2007-05-27T10:26:00.000+08:00

I have grown up... no longer a child to my greatest dismay...

As we grow up, we judge more.. others judges us more, we judges others more and most importantly, we judge ourselves most..

In what manner do we present to others? Is my manners adequate? What others think of me? If I do this, do I leave an impression of sth? Judgment leads to pretence, pretence is nothing but the greatest barrier to my communication..

Can we judge less? Sadly no coz we are already adults... we all well noe the hans anderson’s fable of emperor new clothes, I think I mentioned b4, even though we noe the moral of the story, if we are on the scene, we still do not have the innocence or honesty of the child to proclaim that emperor is naked... We would judge ourselves.. If I blurted this out and laugh out loud.. pple will say I dunno how to appreciate the best costume.. pple will think I rude.. pple will think I weird... Since when does falsity and hypocrisy become an inseparable part of life? They crept surreptitiously into our subconscious...

Singapore, metropolitan city, like a gigantic shopping mall... shop for all material comforts and symbol of wealth... shop for everything that can be bought with money but nothing bought can fill up the spiritual void of mine. Today, we have the luxury of house, luxury of cars (at least bus for me now), luxury of food but we have lost the fundamentals.. the luxury of companionship, the luxury of peace, the luxury of intimacy, the luxury of time.

I sometimes feel so compelled by my emotions... they never fail to haunt me.. it is ever so turbulent, like the swirling twirling restless strokes of van Gough, just that I cannot produce any art piece or music or literature or anything representative. I nvr suffered any real setbacks failure or pain.. but y do I have so much thoughts? I think it is just because that I nid to feel sth to fill up the spiritual gap. therefore I constant seek ways to vent and channel and so lucky I got music and arts for my companionship.

when dealing with people, I tend to be worry-free tigger. I rarely or nvr showed disgruntled face before. My behaviour, my face, my expression and my thoughts stereotyped me this way.. just like no one can imagine mr bean acting in a tragic film... (Btw, i am not really so antisocial.. but it is easy to find friends to share joy but hard to find true friends with whom I can comfortably share woes and thought..) But to myself, I am qed, cos I really hope that life can be quite easily done. Like a maths formula.. simple and clean.. In the twentieth century, there is a movement called surrealism which means that presenting 'self' or emotions that is without artifice or logical reasoning.. tis without any repressed feeling.. I think when alone, that is when I am surreal and I m thoughtful reflective and full of crap..

K. Enuff of crap.. I changed music.. Duet by Mendelssohn in Songs Without Words played my me.. Share with you lar..

Eh bien? I think nid to thank you again.. if no one reading, I dun think I would have lasted so long.. (and wasted so much of my time writing lengthy crap) and haha I still dun really know you.. How intriguing! I ought to noe you from the HSA-JC thingy but din.. then u happen to be xr's friend? Happened to be in a neighbouring fac? Chanced upon my pitiful blog.. I would have completed the anatomy of the entire body.. Shld have reached soleus by now.. U share many interest of mine too! Haha music and I jog often though painstakingly slow too.. Sometimes no time I just climb stairs... good for soleus and gastrocnemius... (but my health advice.. Always take lift to get down! Cos knees will suffer a greater pressure.. lead to problems when old ba when synovial fluids are exhausted..) how coincidental! How cool! Hope to have known you earlier!

At last, to lengthen I present u a poem that inspired me in playing this piece..

Annabel Lee
by Edgar Allan Poe

It was many and many a year ago,
In a kingdom by the sea,
That a maiden there lived whom you may know
By the name of Annabel Lee;
And this maiden she lived with no other thought
Than to love and be loved by me.

I was a child and she was a child,
In this kingdom by the sea;
But we loved with a love that was more than love-
I and my Annabel Lee;
With a love that the winged seraphs of heaven
Coveted her and me.

And this was the reason that, long ago,
In this kingdom by the sea,
A wind blew out of a cloud, chilling
My beautiful Annabel Lee;
So that her highborn kinsman came
And bore her away from me,
To shut her up in a sepulchre
In this kingdom by the sea.

The angels, not half so happy in heaven,
Went envying her and me-
Yes!- that was the reason (as all men know,In this kingdom by the sea)
That the wind came out of the cloud by night,
Chilling and killing my Annabel Lee.

But our love it was stronger by far than the love
Of those who were older than we-
Of many far wiser than we-
And neither the angels in heaven above,
Nor the demons down under the sea,
Can ever dissever my soul from the soul
Of the beautiful Annabel Lee.

For the moon never beams without bringing me dreams
Of the beautiful Annabel Lee;
And the stars never rise but I feel the bright eyes
Of the beautiful Annabel Lee;
And so, all the night-tide, I lie down by the side
Of my darling- my darling- my life and my bride,
In the sepulchre there by the sea,
In her tomb by the sounding sea.

Imagine this while playing, got feeling sia! I wished I had his eloquence, and power of expression.. And yeah.. the playing.. still very far cry from wad I expected.. I try and improve day by day ba..

My poignant banal tirade has ended for good.. Lasted one hour.. i shall blog no longer.. At least for the nxt yr... or nxt two years? Or for life? Time will tell... (sound familiar? I am at a loss of words..)

Q.E.D. 27 May 2007

P.S. dun comment or tag (anyway is is impossible to do so now) as I dun think I will return to this blog in the near future....

scherzo

2007-05-16T21:30:00.000+08:00

haha.. ur blog then very entertaining lor.. LOL! hahaha.. lion king.. hmm u got new shoes so good!.. mine still from army.. free one.. i thot specs gives a quite an intellectual look? hmm oh well probably coz i m a nerd.. haha.. shldnt listen to my comments otherwise u will look nerdy too.. hahaha..

xr's blog oso always in such a happy chirpy mood.. she oso very optimistic.. haha.. she shared the pps program thingy.. online tv really nice to watch leh.. quite addicted.. i think i shld watch nuren someday even though i think very boring.. nxt time wan to shoot botox must noe how to cheat female customers.. now every gp is got dermatolo diploma to shoot botox.. sighz.. business will be hard..

rj's leh? fluctuate with time ba... sometimes happy sometimes greyish mood..

eggie's.. short and succinct.. like his gp or o level essay.. always shorter than all the pple but always higher mark than mine..

oh yeah.. tok abt my course first.. tis on psychology! self awareness! so fun! i love such probing qn.. wah din noe i think quite a lot like those great masters.. haha.. i think i m quite a person in conflict.. sorta struggle coz i introvert and.......... BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH..

ok enuff blahing.. cut short.. now i m gettin more efficient at bloggin le! eh? i got nothing else to blog le leh.. haha

such a boring person.. ok i continue.. i believe in social constructionism.. that is society or social group mould my character over time.. esp for me who adapt to different situation and conform to the social norm and .......... BLAH.

even shorter.

haha one yr in med le.. comfortable with the environment? ha. guess so.. got used to it le.. glad that got one of my very good friend in sec sch as my classmate now.. eh dunno y all best friends are made in sec sch or jc.. probably kids are more artless and friendship built are more pure.. we judge less.. no motives.. friends are just buddies for life.. BLAH. or one yr not enuff for me to make friends who can be counted as true friends..

ok yeah.. i think i will stop bloggin at least for sometime on 27 may.. till be exactly two years since my first entry... try to have 50 entries.. now already 48

oh.. i haven say y i compare the blogs le.. i think mine is the most boring and reflective which is inedible for human consumption.. therefor nvr share with other pple other than u who chanced upon this..

really pardon me if i nvr entertain u haha coz i sometimes feel quite tired.. BLAH! but really thank you for reading! in life we dun always nid solutions, sometimes we just nid a listening ear or.. kpo eyes?.. haha (awkward laugh)..

kz not funny

zen

2007-05-13T16:43:00.000+08:00

my calligraphy tchr always so kind.. give me extra time for the whole afternoon..

today draw lotus leaves again.. very refreshing

yest go museum oso see lotus.. artist use chinese painting style but use oil on canvas as medium.. cool.. got a bit rainy taste..

like these style.. chinese painting feel refreshing cos use more of cool colours and black ink and water.. feel watery and fresh, quite scholarly oso.. western more warm coz use more warm colour and oil with glaze.. feel more sunny, homely n shiny..

most paintings do not show tranquility but mostly demonic and perturbed and agitated feel.. most famous music like chopin's are oso sorta desperate and depressed feel.. is it really true that being happy cannot give depth to a composition and we are more numb toward happiness, thats y we cannot feel joy as strong as sadness and pain?

nvm.. all do not matter.. not bad.. i think i found myself a second wife.. music first wife.. art second.. this blog probably third ba... but i think i m goin to sack my third wife sooner or later unless i can improve on my engish..

haha nxt time muz go museum again.. feel quite cultured and feel like a connoisseur of fine art.. even though i noe nuts.. nus syllabus lacks balance.. i study med for five yrs but my lvl of culture appreciation will still be at sec school level.. how sad.. tts y i nid depend on myself to enhance it myself.. otherwise i will just be a butcher wielding knives on pple.. humanities teach us to be humans, tis a lesson not to be missed...

xq introduced some new age music by bandari.. very nice! listening to it many times liaoz.. her composition oso very touching.. got 'the' mood.. really wish tt she will succeed in that.. haha what is success? i think as a recreation, be able to share and be able to enjoy the process can be considered the greatest success.. recognition may be secondary ba.. but of course got even better.. it is more of a materialised form of success..

ok.. nxt week still got sch.. still got exam on fri.. it count 5 percent to yr 5 results.. tis quite good to have a change during a long holiday, isn't it?

spring wind II

2007-05-13T00:13:00.000+08:00

first, lemme start by thanking guanyin..

guanyin is like spring wind, clearing my thought that shroud my mind..

egg and xr qiu xian but i din coz i dunno wad to qiu for..

they all prayed but i din coz i dunno wad to pray for..

haha.. but on mrt on the way home suddenly my mind cleared.. probably not due to guanyin but i thank her nevertheless...

eh.. suddenly understand the idea of sadness.. my principle is: it always occurs when outcome do not meet expectations.. i feel depressed more easily now coz my expectations are higher for myself and even expect others to behave in a way i hoped.. high expectations makes me strive but when some outcomes cannot be controlled by me, i still have such unreasonable expectations for myself.. so if i can change the outcome by my effort, i will still do what ever it takes, but if i cannot, y not just let the raindrops coalesce slowly into a stream and merge to form river and sea?

i learn to change my expectations when outcomes cannot be changed..

not that i will not feel sad from now on, but i will be more aware.. like this hols, very busy.. i expect hols to be laid back and slack... outcome not true.. i feel sad.. but if i change expectations of a holiday to be making everyday meaningful and do what i enjoy doing, then i am! outcome=expectations=happy!

haha.. oso got some good luck today with final exam results.. thanks to guanyin!

oso must thank guanyin for the frenz i went out today with!

there is so many things in life to be thankful for.. so many taken granted for.. like health.. i very skeptical about books like Tuesday with Morrie cos tis just a feel-good anesthetize-me-for-a-moment book.. haha.. i think these feelings are real only when i experience them myself, not when someone tells me about it..

oh well, i m goin back to thank guanyin nxt time! religions i may not believe in but it does not mean they do not exist.. i have always been respectful and grateful..

spring wind

2007-05-07T21:50:00.000+08:00

changed music.. now playing.. spring wind played by lang lang.. wonderful interpretation.. every phrase, i can imagine a picture and the pictures flashes past like a movie..

not long ago then did i begin to appreciate the different renditions by different artists... unlike pop music or songs with lyrics, these music provide a great range of imagination.. different pple play same tune but different pictures or moods are conveyed.. wonderful.. las time i thot conductor only give beat, quite useless.. but now i understand he is the essence, he gives meaning to the piece and touches the heart of the audience with his own interpretations..

oh well, i like this piece.. tis again a contemporary chinese piece.. i like debussy impressionistic style of composition and also the chinese folklore type of song.. this is a combination therefore i like it best!

i imagined, i was an explorer trying to conquer high mountains, the cold wind slashes my face like knives.. i m shivering in coldness and in fear.. i was beginning to lose hope.. just then a warm spring breeze mingled with the fragrance of flowers wafted up to me and caressed my cheeks... so dreamy, so sweet, so tender, i feel at ease.. i am smitten with love.. i wanted to capture it so that it accompanies me throughout my journey.. but tis transient, elusive and intangible.. it brushed past me and faded into the distance.. the peak was still as far, but i feel tis closer and more reachable.. cold wind could hurt me no more as the feeling of warmth always lingers in my mind.. but i know i will never meet spring wind again.. not in my lifetime.. for it has gone with the wind..

tis how i enjoy and appreciate music, not a conventional or professional way, but i really feel touched by it..

today, or yest, i begin to lose a bit of focus again... i think though i m emotional at times, i can control it well.. i only let it flow out through music.. haha.. in this way, no one will understand it! probably listeners will have a different understanding.. mum say i m quite absorbed into the music huh.. yep! i tried to have a string of pictures that continuously flashing b4 my eyes, and i try to describe them with my fingers.. sigh, but the pictures are still rather naive... childish stories..

oh well, feeling quite poignant today.. but tomorrow will be better.. as dawn breaks, i will start afresh in my journey..

☭ forge on! ☭ for great expectations i seek, i know there are sacrifices to be made.. but the joy in the process of seeking overrides the sacrifices.. i really shld not attempt at zero-sum games..

i am an indecisive person, or i am a cautious person in making decisions, but once decisions are made, i always stick to it.. (haha.. yet i still wrote this senseless entry even though i decided to isolate myself for one week..)

(如有雷同,纯属巧合。。) ☮

presto

2007-05-02T00:43:00.000+08:00

time dilutes, time heals but time never forgives..

got a no. of things to do.. not enuff time, how precious time is..

not that i m gonna die but this hols is the last long hol which i can do sth that i really wan to do.. i have whole blocks of time to myself..

keeping myself really really busy.. how good is life without medical texts.. bon vivant! but there is a promise that i have made for my life and i have to devote myself to this job.. (sound sacrificial but haha.. i myself am skeptical)

so last hols..

every second counts..

oh well i shld blog abt sth more substantial..

went to istana to support my pri sch brass band.. cant forget those days where i spent so many days hitting that stupid triangle.. joined for four mths.. quit immediately after syf.. last time we got bronze probably coz of me.. now they are gold with honour band.. tchr very happy see me.. i very happy see him.. we all very happy.. we have a happy day.

leggiero

2007-04-30T00:23:00.000+08:00

really happy these day.. found that life can be soooo meaningful without exams..

after much soul searching, i finally found what i really enjoy in life.. that is self-expression.. eh, blogging though is a form of self-exp, it still cause more pain coz firstly my eng cmi secondly it make me dwell in thots... at least happy thoughts are better than sad thots.. eggie sound quite happy today haha i think he is gettin used to the life, in many ways, he is much better than me coz i think i really cannot tahan the two yrs.. luckily come out for a break b4 goin back in.. hmm.. i diverged.. (heh, should i have any sentence break somewhere)

i love music coz tis a process of self-expression.. i oso love art coz i think the visual dna puts it very well, tis everyday living like chair being elevated to a new level of aesthetic appreciation.. tis not sth on the wall where there is no involvement, instead, it is ingrained in the everyday living.. tis a epitome of life.. making my life really busy these days.. but really fun.. i enjoy it..

i think enjoyment comes in when one is really engrossed doing something.. anything..

y i always blog about crappy and warped philosophy.. hmm.. but i think it relates a lot to my daily life, tis just that i feel that the moral of the story is more impt than the story itself..

i suddenly noe how i blog already.. i would say.. if i do sth and make my decision on it, i will always be ready to pay the price and make up for it.. making corrections may not be a bad thing at all coz at least i noe the mistake and noe the pain of making a wrong decision..

when i actually meant: wah today very sian.. took imm bus go clementi.. in the end reach clementi i din alight coz i see some pple nvr alight.. i thot the bus may make a u-turn and stop at my side and thot i have like forty-five min to spare.. might as well take the bet and continue riding.. din bother asking the driver or other passenger oso.. wah take the bus..5 min.. nvr u turn.. 10 min.. still nvr turn.. wah 15 min STILL HAVEN U-TURN! i noe i in deep-sh*t le.. like i oni have 30 min to go back clementi.. i alighted then look around.. heng arh! i was in ginza.. i thot confirm plus chop got direct bus go clementi one lor.. since ginza in clementi region.. (para break here shld be adequate)

lucky leh (was never so lucky for 4d or toto though), i got the bus guide cum map sponsored by ntuc with me... take out check.. i then noe i was in DEEPER sh*t.. no dir bus.. i call egg he still tell me bus 30 go clementi.. after yrs of his pranks i noe nvr to trust him.. indeed if i took 30 will be in haw par villa in 30 min time n not clementi.. no choice take bus 11 lor.. wearing my army sandals, i ran for my life ( my class cost me 30 per class.. even one second is money!) .. ran and ran and ran.. in the end i should reach aye but i reach west coast highway.. WAD THE! arghgghghg! i motivated myself!!! 30 for one hour that is one min fifty cent and every second is ONE CENT SINGAPORE DOLLAR! how can i give up hope?

enlightened, i ran like in jack neo's film, yeah in the opposite direction.. all the way back to the wet market, the ginza shopping centre, the carpark, one street, one overhead bridge, nus high sch, nan hua sec, one more road, one more car park, one housing estate, cross overhead bridge over clementi road i think then across clementi swimming pool one more BLOODY carpark.. finally...

CLEMENTI! (now my mind is playing Aida's Triumphant March.. DA DI DI DA DA DA DA DA DA DA DA DA EVERY SINGLE CENT IS SAVED! HAHAHAHA!)

i have deciphered myself.. what an achievement.. what a miser though much is exaggerated and 如有雷同,纯属巧合。。

yup another long-winded boring entry..

oh yeah.. prob goin russia for hols with family...
can't wait.. tis such a romantic country! not a typically romantic but the hue of mystery and the deadly attraction of the ideal of communism and the tsar and rachmaninov and st petersburg.. i just like the mood..

france and spain probably nxt nxt destination.. both oso very romantic.. france for its arts and the Revolution! Napoleon! impressionistic art form! debussy! Spain.. love the guitar music.. the flamenco dance is hot and fiery.. the sun.. yet the most wonderful is the tinge of melancholy blended into the culture.. though the dance is fiery though the music is passionate but one can always spot the shade of sadness in the bright sunlight...

i nid to slp.. i really hate blogging.. i type too slow and tok non-stop.. i prefer other forms of self-expression..

agitato

2007-04-26T23:56:00.000+08:00

*can skip first part, read after asterisk..

nvr understand human nature.. las time, i nvr do homework then i say the day b4 i do liao.. then my mum say u yesterday eat liao y u still eat today..

i used to take it as a joke but now no longer.. greediness is always insatiable.. there is no satiety centre in our brain to tell us that tis enough.. tis never enough.. yest i eat, today i will forget the feeling of fullness and want to eat again.. like man has leg, but he longs for wheels, then he got wheels, but he longs to have wings..

greediness may not be bad though.. if used on the good side.. that is the drive factor to push him forward..

life is oso like a rpg game.. not that i play a lot though.. i only have the patience to complete one game.. train train train.. fight big boss... amass money amass money amass money.. spend spend spend... train heal train.. fight bigger boss... fight bigger bigger boss.. fight biggest boss.. end game... one buy rpg main aim not to win boss but to aim to fight bigger and bigger boss.. life is goal oriented but most of the time tis spend on the process of achieving the goal... if one dunno how to enjoy the process, he will always be in a state of misery...

i used to be liddat, only like the sensation of winning the boss, but now i begin to enjoy the process of preparation and looking forward to the bigger boss...

life oso like music.. i hope tis as moto perpetuo as baroque, as simplistic and childlike like mozart classical music, as passionate as romatic era, as avant garde and creative as contempory piece.. oh yeah! tan dun is coming to town! got symphony sth to do with maps and paper percussion.. he is famous for using water and stones to make music.. really an avant garde.. but tics like very ex again... yeah haven finish my analogy, composers write passionate music to evoke the sensation of listeners but they themselves are the sanest creatures and the most rational creatures around.. despite beethoven and chopin messy haircut, in my belief, their pieces are creations of reasoning and not purely inspirational.. creativity is like spark and fire can only be sustained with gas that is reasoning.. chord progressions and repeated editing can only create masterpieces.. Now education is always creative creative creative, but creativity come out from fundamentals and accumulation of knowledge not thin air.. diligence and rational thinking should take hold of life.. not only inspiration and passion.. use big brain or cerebrum to think, not only cerebellum..

come across a psycho test using pic.. thought of doin, add some pics to make my blog less morbid.. tis still morbid nevertheless...

blogging makes me more morbid though.. i feel that i have like split personality and talk to myself more often.. or soliloquys.. like 'tg, this this this...' then the second voice come in.."no shld be tt tt tt" Is that normal? i nid to study psychiatry b4 i can find out..

*ok.. now as how a normal person shld blog i shall blog...

today very happy buy new clothes with mum.. but my leg too long and slim, like arachnid, then my waist to slim.. wah sianz.. most the trousers not long enuff to cover my skin and leg hair when sitting down.. ie got gap btw socks and pants.. aniwae got wad i wanted..
tiredness>>> happiness.. nid to learn from girls how to enjoy the process and not the goal!

tml very happy... go out with mum again.. she go enjoy brunch.. i go swim jacuzzi plus spa.. not that i rich but all are complimentary i.e. free.. then lunch will be sumptuous meal again.. haha tis good to be close with mum.. got good stuff to enjoy too.. but most impt family is really strongest pillar of support emotionally.. sth i realised over the yrs..

air

2007-04-21T13:59:00.000+08:00

was playing the harmonious blacksmith for the past few days during exams..

handel's music is truly angel's music..

life is great after exams, before exams and during exams..

dunno y but feel quite happy that i have made sure and clear wad my goal is.. for life and everyday living..

yes.. life just need one goal, like harmonious blacksmith, a piece with theme and variation, one theme, the rest are just variation of the same theme but it can be still made as interesting and varied.

i would say my life will be a life of pursuit, endless pursuit.. i believe attaining sth should not be the goal itself, instead the ultimate goal ought to be achieve sth greater and better.. attaining sth is just a springboard to the next pursuit..

then wad sort of pursuit? hmm, i think there are a lot to achieve.. for example beauty, sth that is as elusive as music, tis never sth that one can quantify, however one can always go on and on pursuing the 'perfect' sound to one's ears...

i finally come to understand one point, being busy wont kill me, but boredom sure kill me...

holidays are here, and i shall pursue!

largamente

2007-04-04T17:20:00.000+08:00

i just realised that i m a person with quite a good self-control, or is it just my cowardice, fear of losing face, or fear of offending others?

b4 i do things, i always think of how my action or talk will affect others (oh well, most of the time).. but this seems to dam up my feeling and i have nowhere to vent it.. i m envious of those who are direct and frank, even though they may offend others, but to them, the pple are more forgiving to their mistakes.. how i wish i were like that.. ha.. probably my cowardice is coming to play again.. remind me of wizard of oz cowardly lion.. i can write another book on cowardly tigger..

ushered for the WHO talk on tues.. see those big shot pple.. remind me of my ambitions.. everyone desires to be better, wealthier and more famous.. or be someone who is defined as 'successful' in life.. i wish too.. but there is no end to man's desire and desires makes joy and hapiness more ephemeral.. to a baby, something that can make the sound of ding and dong can make him laugh non-stop.. (evidence: the famous clip of baby laughing http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5P6UU6m3cqk)... to a grown-up, fame and wealth can only make one ask for more.. growing up desensitise pple and raises the threshold for joy.. remind me of the adage of the fisherman's wife..

dun really watch a lot of doctor dramas though, the only one i watched was the jap version of the white tower.. tis a show about desire for power and fame which engulfed the doc's humanity to become arrogant and corrupt.. desire in a good amt push pple forward to achieve better stds, but in excess may even kill.. gambling itself is a play on man's desires.. therefore i think that it is necessary to have a nonnegotiable limit to desire.. therefore, even if one loses, he will not lose everything.. (i will watch 1L of tears when exams over.. haha.. trust ur good recommendations!)

in this rat race, what am i goin to achieve? in order to survive in a world with fiercer competition, one nids to establish a niche and takes every opportunity seriously.. as to the extent of wealth or fame, i dun have the power to expect, but i believe i would have succeeded by helping the people around me, and bringing joy to the people ard me..

done enough of reflections.. not of studying though, if at all.. mon rehearse for ushering, tue go to usher, nxt wk mon still got parliament interpretation OJT.. i still got 8990 pages to mug.. a bit too late.. dun think i will blog again till main exam is over in nxt nxt week..(i really hope tis really over.. i dun wan reexam..)

so within my limits (another excuse), tg, why don't you do your best?

to the only reader of my blog..

ps: to maintain the readership of my blog, i decide to sell guanzi and yah.. oso not guanzi... since my plan for the hols is quite a lot and vague.. some are not really feasible.. hmm.. anyway i will tell you more about it if/when my plan succeeds..

pps: thanks for bothering to read my ponderous blog.. i vent all my frustration here and really apologise it is all too gloomy and boring.. will try to blog about happier stuff nxt time.. hmm.. like what i do everyday.. such as what time i drink water and when i go to loo.. (i think i blog about that a few years ago.. anyway i can repeat it..) yah.. i will also attempt to change the music next time.. (but this one sound quite happy if i m in a happy mood though)

ppps: nice new template! oh yeah.. thanks for sharing the indian thriller! good training for sit-ups for ippt.. indians are just so funny and sexy! *epistaxis shoot into sky*.. hahaha..

sentences

2007-03-31T23:34:00.000+08:00

a drop of ocean.. sentence with a sea of meanings

i have been a rebel and want to escape from destiny, but "letting go" is the answer i got

dwelling in emotions is like drilling a hole in a plank, the deeper i drill, the deeper i sink.. one day later, i can always pluck the nail out, but the hole will remain forever in my heart

to me, silence is the best music to the ear, because i always try to listen with my heart

days of bloggin i then realise, i do not even understand myself, m i a pessimist or an optimist, an introvert or an extrovert, a person full of desire or a person taking thing lightly, impulse enslave my senses or my senses enslave my impulse

arh.. but one thing i know for certain, my words never scintillate wisdom, but sheer emptiness..

one sentence says it all, empty vessels make the most noise

stringendo

2007-03-30T17:15:00.000+08:00

yeah.. 2 more weeks to exams! end of the reign of boredom! dunno y just love exams.. the push factor for me to mug.. dunno y but muggin is enriching and fun..? all the knowledge seem to link up as an 'organic whole' and yeah! the adrenaline rush.. always felt that i have pheochromocytoma nearing exams.. yeah i oso noe y i have become so tall.. i have all the factors to stimulate production of the grwth hormone.. low insulin cos i dun eat.. sleep a lot despite exams are nearing.... and stress! of course, so fun when there is hell lot to be tested and i still dunno so much!

woohoo~~~~ may not do well though but shld b able to pass even if i fail the main exam.. yeah! the ca helps.. less stress and tension since little chance of both failing or getting distinctions.. however dun hope to do better even though not quite possible.. i m sucky in explaining stuff.. but mcq is just fun..

just slacked away another week but started for some revision.. now must pick up a bit more speed.. accelerating ahead!

din fail to dream in the past wk too.. eh i wanna a solo piano recital in VCH when i m 65.. eh.. yr 2052.. as a culmination of my practise for a whole lifetime.. should be fun to keep my retirement life active and fun.. pls support if u are free on that day!

read abt mechanical watches.. amazing.. they are so cool! like the accreditation for chronometer and stuff.. ok after working for one yr i wanna buy one! but salary like not enuff leh? 20 more new medical schs accepted so more doctors and less salary.. nvm.. i nvr intended to make big bucks.. just enuff to eat and yeah.. buy one mechanical watch which can last for a lifetime! sound very materialistic though.. aniwae it more of embodies a spirit of accuracy and precision and carefulness.. and yeah the workings of the watch just look cool and complex! if we inject feeling into inanimate objects, i believe they will some sort of come alive.. there will be memories shared.. i used my previous pencil case for like 12 yr and my present shoes for 4 yrs.. tis not that i really want to save money but i just feel so comfortable using them that tis unbearable to throw them away!

plan to do sth after my main exam too.. (cross-fingers.. that is only possible if i dun fail and go for reexam) yeah.. but all these are just in the future.. tis so much happier to look forward!

WHEEEEEEE~~~~ hahahahahaha!

cold

2007-03-24T18:55:00.000+08:00

sometimes i can just feel the coldness in this world..

yes.. even in the ever-so-hot tropical country like singapore

wanted to cry but no reason to do so...

feel that sunako in yamato is just a reflection of myself..

really liked billy joel's pianoman..

comforted to know everyone has his own problems and mine is still not the greatest..

i think i m just too free..

i need a break...

waste

2007-03-23T10:46:00.000+08:00

Y is it so hard to refuse people? After my very pro singing tchr left last yr, i tried out a few and met this not very pro tchr from whom i learnt nothing much.. so i stopped.. he ask me to join his choir and pestered me for like so damn long b4 i agreed to give a try last week.. Turned out that i learnt nothing from it at all..

i m a practical person, if i feel there is nothing to gain, i will not want to do such things.. but tis just SO hard to refuse people.. yah.. then my usual technique of showing unwillingness and drag.. but he doesnt seem to get it.. nvm.. i will try do the same thing again after a few weeks.. Tis like i have sung in a choir for like four yrs already and still ask me to join and learn how to sing even more substandard pieces? their std is like so much lower than my sec sch choir lor.. still wan me to help to strengthen the baritone part and dun teach me tangible tchnques of singing? wait long long..

Another thing, if i wan to join choir, one impt factor would be to socialise and interact with people but the age group there is top of the population pyramid.. yeah, they are all very kind and nice pple, but there is not much common topic to talk about...

but i feel bad refusing him, he is very sincere in asking along to join.. but hasnt everyone got a motive? he just wan me to boost his choir and also more imptly show that not only the old, but also the young are interested in his choir..

argh! a waste of time..

bloggin is somewhat too.. i think i have summarised it well to be narcisism+self pity+boredom.. do pple really nid to be so repentant at times? some pple are not at all so reflective and lead a much happier life.. probably tis really that man are social creatures and demand for someone to listen to his grumbles and demand to be welcomed and popular.. No wonder pple want to be monks.. they are willing to give up their emotions for an inner peace.. eh.. not that i want to chu jia aniwae but this goes to show how much pple are willing to sacrifice.. meat and lust and elation and their loved ones.. wah.. i guess i have to stop, the more i write the more i feel sad and as if i m sitting in a booth, like a sinner repenting to the pastor..

oh yeah.. xr introduced anime yamato which i watched like 4 episode and now watching the 5th.. very lame but quite cute lah.. another waste of time but tis time i have willingly wasted cos i feel so DARN bored at home.. crappy excuse.. i have like 9000 pages to mug.. and not as if i have done so well in ca either.. tis study break! NOT holiday!!!!!!!

convinced myself to settle down and mug? tis a must to so.. i nid to lead a puritanistic way of life.. eat.. sleep.. mug.. mug.. mug.. eat.. sleep.. mug.. i really dun wan to take re-exam and waste my true last long holiday!

thousand of miles start with the first step.. 9000 pages start from the first! i shld start NOW! (aiyah.. still got 3 weeks.. wad the hurry?) no.. i really should start now.. (aiyah.. shld be can pass) cannot.. get all c report sheet very nice meh.. (aiyah.. work so hard probably oso get c leh? then waste effort wad).. i always wanted to do what my mind tell me to do, but the problem is i have a confused and chaotic mind..

ARGH.. i m getting psychotic le.. oh yeah.. i shld say i m very well.. not psychotic at all...

beauty

2007-03-20T17:11:00.000+08:00

i always pitied the phantom, or quasimodo in notre dame and much preferred a happier ending like beauty and the beast..

after watching phantom for the third time, i begin to love such a theme much more.. it is a theme of love and being loved... it is this conflict that enabled the production of great tragedies.. in the battle of realism and romanticism, realism always triumph.. this musical also demonstrated more often than not, love is skin-deep.. phantom loved christine coz she is pretty, christine preferred raoul coz he is handsome, raoul loved christine coz she is pretty.. and beauty is skin-deep.. and love is skin-deep.. how cliqued.. how sad.. even though i believe that love is much deeper than the skin, but when taken to the extreme when one' is so ugly as phantom when no one in society can accept him, i believe if i were christine, i will make the same ungrateful decision.. for pple like phantom, scientifically or genetically, i would conclude that he has a much reduced fitness (defined as no. of offspring produced as compared to an average person). discrimination against appearance is always there and will persist.. darwin always wins..

yeah, anyone can happily say that pity is pity and love is love, pity is not love and love is not pity..
gratitude is gratitude, love is love, gratitude not love and love not gratitude..
then wad is love?

tis a show that can put pple deep in thoughts.. how i'd wish to watch the show the fourth time in broadway! ha! but no money..

crow

2007-03-20T16:31:00.000+08:00

quarreled with mum for the past two days.. nvr quarreled with her for more than 3 or 4 yrs le.. i m nvr one who likes confrontation.. however there are things i feel i have to say.. in the end, i gave in to her.. as usual. not because i agreed to her ideas, but more because i love her.

i have learnt much wad love was in the past few days and i found that love is universal, be it conjugal love or parental love, the concept is no different..

in the chinese 250 idioms, one of the first few idioms is love thy house love thy crow.. i now finally realise the real meaning of this idiom.. the sentence we made to memorise "my brother's girlfriend likes stamp-collecting, love thy house love thy crow, he begin to like stamp-collecting as well" in a way has distorted the meaning of the idiom.. in the chinese tradition, crow is a bird of bad omen.. i believe that the true meaning of it is that if one love the house, he will not mind the crow with comes with it.. he is willing to tolerate it and accommodate it.

thats y there is the saying of love is blind.. there are two layers of meaning to it.. the first explanation is, eg, in a courtship, love is blind because one only see the good of another, not the bad.. therefore after marriage, the good begins to fade the the bad begins to surface.. with absence of true love, the union will not last long.. in the second, eg, in the presence of true love, the person is willing to be blind to the bad qualities of the other.. not that there is no such awareness, but rather there is the willingness to tolerate even though the other is unwilling or unable to change for the better.. in a long lasting relationship, this is wad that will lubricate and enable the engine to run longer distances..

i m enlightened of the gold standard in measuring love.. it is the ability to tolerate someone's behaviour, attitude or charater.. for his/her good has so much outweighed the bad, or simply, because i loved him/her..

time

2007-03-17T21:09:00.001+08:00

yr 1 i really have the luxury of time.. or only i think so? 5mth of hols.. i will sitting at home like a zombie for 5 mths!! worse than jail term.. must socialise more! (with egg? hmm..)

oh no, y i m blogging again! promise myself to blog at most once a week. ONCE A WEEK!

and another thing is under some bad influence.. i m also sticking my nose into the privacy of others.. how unethical! and to spam everyone's tagboard! how irritating... must refrain.. curiosity kill the cat.. MUST REFRAIN!

haha.. being facetious again (trying to be funny at inappropriate times). i think tis a caring act to peep at other pples blogs and read them aloud.. one will understand his/her/its character better and noe if he/she/it needs more help or concern.. only true friends will go such a distance to care abt the pple ard them.. to such sincere pple.. Salute!

i believe in a 世态炎凉 world (limited english vocab).. everyone think that he has become more independent and strong.. can depend on himself to feed himself, to help himself, to understand himself.. but actually, he nids as much concern and help as in those days of communal living.. behind every strong character has a vulnerable heart which needs to be caressed, he needs to look ard and see that friends are standing right behind..

y am i preaching? i ought to shut up.. probably i just has too much time now.. (yeah exam is one mth away)..

silenced

2007-03-16T09:11:00.000+08:00

hmm.. i guess my rants and blabberings shld come to a stop.. at most like blog every one week or two weeks or one mth.. not that i have nothing to say but i have too much to say.. 90 yrs and it will never end.. my sec sch tchr always complained abt my talkativeness and sent me to sit with a quietest guy in class.. even more silent than egg.. and i got him talking too haha! but hmm i got more quiet and held back my verbose speech more.. haha.. probably coz i m single child and have no one of my age to tok at home.. just like egg?

i guess i m a hypocrite.. on the outside i seem to be facetious but on the inside.. just think too much.. haha.. aniwae only nerds share abt their thought on meaning of life and enlightenment.. unless one is a devout christian or buddhist or taoist who i m not..reminded me of my friend who thought abt the meaning of life before he commited suicide.. i m full of sympathy.. even though life is a blind-ending alley with death as the inevitable end.. one shld contribute to society and to the pple ard.. to bring joy or at least lend a helping hand.. no matter how tough life maybe.. one should religiously walk through it.. sh*t.. i m getting verbose again.. i love the word vicissitude.. tis a word george washington used in his first presidential speech to describe the ups and downs in his life.. yeah.. life is simply think less do more.. uncertainty awaits aheads but road will be straight when mountains comes...

egg and me on the outside are quite different.. one intro one extro.. ha! but on the inside when the shell is cracked.. not much diff.. probably i couldnt call myself a hypocrite as i nvr backstab or at least not that i noe of..

therefore i decided to shut up and stop blabbering and ranting incessantly.. sometime tis necessary to suppress one's feeling and impulse.. thats y i am a human.. not a tiger..

enlightened II

2007-03-15T10:27:00.000+08:00

yeah! first day of my 5 mth break.. shiok!

realised the wisdom of the word, enlightened.. always thought enlightened is 'ding!' light bulb lights up and we suddenly understand an idea.. but now i realised that there is a second meaning to it... a heavy load being lifted off our shoulder and heart also means enlightened.. i believe that is wad buddha felt when he achieve nirvana..

Western and Eastern culture do meet.. All roads lead to rome.. as all great ideas are as well

pondering abt life is a quixotic thing.. there is no productivity to tok abt.. delving deep in thought is an unproductive process and i believe tis sth that one shld not do too often.. thats y philosophers and romanticist have no food to eat.. thats y i dun wan to study arts in uni coz destined to lead a slack yet empty life.. furthermore, studies show that authors writing down their feeling tend to dwell more on their feeling tts y are more prone to getting crazy.. see wad has happened to hemingway and san mao and Iris Chang

huh. and i m still dwelling in thoughts.. another irony.. probably tis an inner desire of one to be heard and understood.. not necessarily by others, more by oneself..

enlightened

2007-03-14T13:32:00.000+08:00

woo.. finally the ca is over.. haha.. yeah.. just 3 days and yet there is a whole year of syllabus to cover! finally the school has completed year one syllabus and they left us with one month to self-live-self-destuct b4 pros.. Arh.. At least can rest for two weeks i guess? Still dunno my result for this ca and how i will do for the pros.. hope not to repeat my yr again? Hope that today is the last day i step into the anat hall and museum.. One yr sure flies...

From this ca i have sure learnt a lot. Not in the sense of knowledge but in my attitude towards life. Two weeks ago, i was getting quite stressed up and frustrated about the workload i m dealing with.. Esp when i see pple beside u making notes which is thicker than textbooks, and their know-it-all confidence.. And i see pple poning sch to mug even more intensively and home.. And their indulgence in studying.. their brain is so full of anat physio and biochem that they forgot what they are supposed to do when they go to the loo..? i m amused, yet frustrated that y can't i do the same thing..? Y i can't concentrate on work, slack ard so much.. procrastinate till the last min.. do worthless stuff like exercising, reading books non-related to med, play piano, watch tv, do my part-time job without earning money (and blogging too)... Y can i just stay at home and mug, and mUG, AND MUG?

Last week, i suddenly understood that probably tis not my habit to be so diligent.. Tis not in my character to be so.. Tis definitely stressful to kick such a habit of indolence all of a sudden.. Anyway is there a need to kick off such a habit..? In the past, egg and me always leave things to the last, and yet we always manage to did it, didn't we.. Even though in hc, i always get E for my bio and egg never got beyond a O.. we all got an A in A level, didnt we? Huh.. moral of the story is no need to mug so hard.. Tis just that in the past i have someone to give me assurance that things will be fine.. Tis hard to find one now, when every single student is a ultra mugger.. I wont say that muggers have no life.. As their passion is in the subject itself and their passion to perfect their knowledge is commendable.. Confucius say if one love a job, he need not work a single day in his life.. I respect all muggers.. Oh well probably i shldnt use the term at all as it has its negative connotation to it.. Back to the topic.. yeah.. no need to be so mug... the lecture notes.. no matter how skimpy give good focus.. the more skimpy.. the more focus..

Oh well, anything wrong with me then..? i guess not, tis my ability to use small effort to reap great results..(not really great, but multiple times of my effort though?) Tis my sky-drop-down-use-as-blanket mentality that has brought me through many challenges.. and i will probably continue PROVIDED i dun get retained this year... i m getting more confident and cooler now, just like i had been before.. OH.. yeah, my ca result has not come out yet.. thinking of this my confidence is ebbing away again..

CEO of Intel Andrew Grove once said Only the paranoid will survive in today's world... Dun think need to be paranoid at all. Chinese got saying if god want you to perish, he will make you paranoid first... Thats more true.. Relax and lay back.. I m paying 18k per year to ENJOY an eduction, not to SUFFER from it.. i have definitely grown in this short period of time.. Tis good i come to a realisation, otherwise i will be waiting and hoping for a mirage, just like the pot of gold at the other end of the rainbow.. Tis important to enjoy the process and not only waiting for the outcome.. just Monte Cristo waited for so many years for his revenge, but revenge isn't as sweet when it come.. however the process made him a resolute man that make him strong against all adversities.. Stressful life lies ahead but i think i will enjoy the adrenaline rush and sympathetic stiumlation.. but most of the days are still relaxing aren't they?

Talking about destressing, i sudden found a great technique.. i chose myself a music therapy.. i would choose two pieces of my choice, one agitated and the other calmer and more flowing.. for last week, i manage to learn two pieces.. wad a great achievement during exam period yeah! one piece was bridge o'er trouble h2o.. plus singing.. cool! vent away all my stress.. i believe the beauty of a song partially lies in the lyrics, if the song strikes a chord with what i feel, then tis meaningful and says the things that i want to say but dunno how to express in words.. then a chinese contemporary piece of folk music, autumn moon over the Calm Lake.. Very useful, esp when i played yesterday when i still have one year of syllabus to cover..(Din complet in the end though coz play too much).. Immediately it teleported me to a faraway land... the ripples... the yellow moon (remind me of serous demilune (half moon) in the submandibular gland), the clear water.. the fresh breeze.. the trickling water, the lonely old horse.. the old man by the lake with his heart as clear as the water.. xi shi with her flowing long hair.. the lao dao with the horsetail like thingy dabbing the thingy gently in the air... ooh.. i felt like i were zhugeliang in kongchengji, there is no soldier in the city but by the confident way he play the qin, he scared away thousands of cao's soldiers.. hell lot of appegios, two bloody pages with hemi-demi-semi-quavers.. more effective than hanon or scales.. feel pro while playing even though i not pro ..sigh, y m i always wallowing in self-admiration, self-pity, fantasies and my own emotions? Oh well, i m not a mugging robot anyway... If music is the food of love, play on..

toking about blogging.. hmm i wonder.. tis just a act of indulging in one's feeling and emotion.. in a way tis a exhibitionistic behaviour+wallowing in self-pity+narcissism.. in another way tis therapeutic to do some self toking.. yet tis different from writing a diary.. sensitive issues are censored and tis something that tis alright for everyone to read or what one wan everyone to read.. tis ironical isnt it.. when writing diary, a personal thing, becomes a public thing.. when things that one doesnt reveal to his closest people, he reveals to some who dun noe him that well.. reminded me of those anon pple calling in to radio station spitting out their heart and soul to a stranger, and not someone close like parent or frenz.. what a weird world that has evolved.. yeah.. i believe bonds btw pple are not as strong as before esp with the advent with sms.. "got thing just sms lah!" "huh msg you later" in words of sms, u cannot sense the nuances of feeling, msg like 'i m very happy' can mean thousand and one feelings.. therefore i still call egg.. huh..(sounds gay though...) tis for sure that there are very much lesser common topics to tok about.. but still got some lah.. our lives are boring aniwae.. really no life.. so still got some crap to crap about.. yeah.. friends nowadays hard to be found with us ourselves building a barrier to protect ourselves from harm and others building a barrier to protect themselves from harm.. not really harm but.. hmm i dunno how to describe.. doesnt matter anyway.

what a load of incoherent crap.. i dun think i m enlightened.. more confused rather.. i hope i did a better job in explaining y oliguria is resulted from blood loss.. otherwise.. huh! sky drop down use as blanket!

worries

2007-03-06T21:42:00.000+08:00

enlightened by the following article.. truly golden words and jaded talk.. will cut and paste it into my scrapbook
http://book.cyol.com/content/2005-07/25/content_1090559.htm

My reflections:
Why worry about problems with solutions?
There are so many problems without solutions.
Why worry about problems without solutions?
Worrying will not change the outcome anyway...
Right.. Consoled myself for not being able to revise finish for ca? huh.. i guess so..

new year, old me

2007-02-25T00:55:00.000+08:00

new year.. dunno to feel happy or sad?
haha.. hmm..
i wish i were a kid again with less worries? oh well i did have worries when i was young, didnt i?
i wish i were old, no need to work when i can lead a idyllic way of life by the mountain or sea? oh well death is very near, isnt it?
i wish i wish no longer... the present is for me to live and cherish.. even though there are challenges ahead...
convinced myself? probably..

Grass

2007-01-30T21:59:00.000+08:00

Let me be a patch of grass
To lay and soften the path before you
If only I could kiss your feet
I am willing to let you trample on me

eye

2007-01-30T16:38:00.000+08:00

fear so eye and pupil open.. so sympathetic supply dilator pupillae!!!
para ganglion COPS ciliary? otic pterygopalatine and submandibular

Parotid gland

2007-01-30T16:14:00.000+08:00

Hmm the parotid gland is curious. I wonder...
the superior border extends from the zygomatic arch to the posterior of the the temporalmandibular joint! the apex of the wedge-shaped gland is situated post to the angle of the mandible.. the base lies in the post part of the mandibular fossa.. the ant border is superficial to the masseter YES!

now the relations? the ant relation of the parotid gland is the masseter?
post there is the facial nerve?
ant medially there are masseter and the ramus of the mandiblee
post medial there is the styloid process of the temp bone and the associated muscle.. the sternocleidomastoid the is the carotid sheath with internal jug vein carotid art vagus nerve.. as well as cranial nerves 9-12.. ok good wad else? a lot more to go! in the deep surface of the gland it is in contact with the pharyngeal wall

secretomotor is by parasympathetic nerve frm the the glossopharyngeal nerve which travels to the inferior salivary ganglion and then to the tympanic branch reaching the tympanic plexus.. then it continues to synapse in the the otic ganglion and then! by the auriculotemporal nerve to innervat the gland
sup cerv ganglion provide symp nerve for vasoconstriction of vessel in the gland
in the gland the relations from medial to lateral... medial to lateral... yes medial to lateral is the facial nerve the retromandibular artery into max and sup temp art and the vein sama sama plus plus plus lymph nodes!

Mistake: ext carotid gives max and sup tem retromandi give max and sup tem.. there is NO retromandi artery!

friends

2007-01-29T21:29:00.000+08:00

Two dogs are always fighting.. One day, one dog get tired and tell the other dog.. hey lets make friends! y fight over small trivial matters day and night and we nvr get anithing out of it... the other dog thinks.. true and well said.. life is short.. y make ur life full of animosity and hate..? Alrite friend.. buddy... They shaked paws excitedly and happily.. they hugged each other.. they saw the true meaning of love and care really.. they saw the best of the dogs character.. then the owner throw a bone.. they started fighting again...

Neck

2007-01-29T20:53:00.000+08:00

What is the relations of scalenus anterior...?

scalenus anterior has origin from? and is inserted into the anterior border of the first rib?

Anteriorly it is covered by prevertebral fascia and phrenic nerve crosses from the lateral border to the medial border downwards. Anteriorly lies the subclavian vein. In addition the suprascapular artery and the transverse cervical artery crosses anteriorly. Posteriorly lies the subclavian artery together with the brachial plexus.

Shit.. My memory is failing me...

Hmm.. wad abt sternocleidomastoid?

round tendon to sternal notch and muscular head to medial one third of clavicle

inserted into mastoid process and medial one third of superior nuchal line

extend the head and flex the cervix when acting bilaterally and when only one muscle acts, it turns head to face upwrds towrds opposite side..

ok so anteriorly there is the internal carotid artery and just posterior to the anterior border of the sterno is the internal jugular vein. Together with the vagus, the artery and vein are enclosed in the carotid sheath..
posteriorly there is the subclavian vein and at the jn of upper and middle one third of the post border is the superficial cervical nerve.. ok medially is the trachea eso and thyroid

i will fail my pros.. sigh

1 1/2 yrs have passed by

2007-01-29T20:25:00.000+08:00

Time flies... So fast.. I need to update soon..

finale: humoresque

2005-06-10T14:12:00.000+08:00

RTF: finale
Dun feel like writing animore... I have been a prolific writer for the past two week...(a prolific generator of crap) Written more crap than i can ever think of for the whole of my eighteen years. Aniwae, i feel sadden my my own thots and lost the momentum to write more and more crap, generate more and more crap, n tok more and more crap...
MY HEISENBERG PRINCIPLE for bloggin is this
nvr write
12: wake
13: read
14: sh*t
15: eat
16: smell feet
17: smell sh*t
18: eat
19: feed
20: watch tv set (staring at the off screen, no good programmes)
21: bloggin
22: sleep
even though tts wad i do everyday...
Like a diarrhea, verbal diarrhea will stop somehow... U noe wad i mean... i.e. either the last boli in ur oesophagus is passed out of your body or u die of dehydration.
Though I got lotsa inspiration to write lotsa crap coz my brain is crappy le...
So here is my finale, humoresque.
I must thank the following sponsors and technical supports without which this crappy blog will never come into being.
http://tabulas.com/~iam
trust this person's artistic sense, it makes sense, lotsa sense, lostsa n lotsa sense, n i start to like bill gilman! (ayumi included) muahAHA!
http://kinomotoyoshiko.chinadiary.com/
high-class blog with words much more profound than mine n guess wad.... I found some my crap quoted on this site! highly honoured (voodoo dolls are abound, beware) muahAHA!
http://www.ericrox.blogspot.com/
no comments. (quite 温馨lah) muahAHA!
http://weloveloiandsiva.blogspot.com
official class blog (LOI rox!!! siva i dun noe) muahAHA!
http://www.houkihoshi.diary-x.com/
this one is my younger twin bro (the blog born juz a few days after my blog is born) muahAHA!
http://20020.diary-x.com/
tis one is the official technical support for music (the irony is itself is unable to support music) muahAHA!

Two more funny blogs (funny in a sense that it is strange or eccentric)
http://www.tabulas.com/~firecheri/
this one a strange one: ardent supporter of my blog! she say my blog is interestin! INTERESTING do you hear that! not lame or crappy, its INTERESTING! and how come she hear me sing opera b4 when i dunno who she is, mmm... mysterious person muahAHA!
http://www.geocities.com/positive_charged/
this one is highly hilarious, more amusing than mine!!!! dunno wadever is she doin... the template is so creative that no one, I MEAN NO ONE will ever try it.
to end off, go to the above site, it says wad i want to say...

tis not the end, it's juz tt i dun feel like bloggin so often... gettin sian le... i will prob. continue... once in two day, four days, one week, two weeks, one month or ONE YEAR?
i dunno, i dun care, depend on my mood bah... probably it's one LIFETIME
who noes? time will tell... space will tell...
in a galaxy far far away, i have proved the relationship between physics and philosophy...
QED.

interlude: number

2005-06-10T13:51:00.000+08:00

RTF: Number Theory
1...
2...
3...
4...
5...
What m i doin?
I m counting the no. of layer of callous that drop off from my left hand fingers.
I m counting the no. of ants found on my desk that I crushed and squeezed using my left hand fingers.
I have made an important discovery, more important and impotent than any of those made by my old friend EINSTEIN!
i.e. the thickness of skin on my finger seems to decrease in length,
but the no. of ants seem to be increasing!
Here is the famous Cao Taige Number Theory:
Given any no. of callous, there exists a finite no. of layers. As I start peeling, the no. of layers decrease and the thickness of skin decreases in an arithmatic progression with first term=n, where n is the finite no. of layers and common difference of -1.
On the other hand, given any no. of ants on my desk, there exists a finite no. of ants. As I start crushing, the no. of ants increases and the no. increase in a geometric progression with first term=n, where n is the finite no. of ants and common ratio of +1000 and the no. spotted around my desk follow the Poisson distribution. The no. tends to infinity and my keyboard now is fully infested with ants.
alsjfd;lkajawoighoifnval;ntpoiawgl;anmlk;bnl;asdnjllkmnlag
AHHH! I have just killed millions of ants. (base on my theory and prediction 1000 millions will appear)
QED.

rhapsody: emotions

2005-06-09T22:42:00.000+08:00

Ha! Last one of my episodes of rhapsodies...

RTF: my emotions, a glimpse of my world...
***
In Chinese, rhapsody is 狂想曲. Since I started blogging, I find that it is quite an unhealthy habit. Well, I do start to reflect, think, comb my thoughts and emotions, however, at the same time, I also begin to understand why Hemingway shoot himself in his head.

Yeah, that's right... Thinking, pondering and feeling too much lead to crazy and insensible thoughts on apparently useless, meaningless things that you, on the contrary, feel meaningful to discuss about.

In society today, it is better to be pragmatic rather than quixotic. Just as stirring the air with a fan will never split mountains, irrational or impratical thoughts and idea will never solve any real life problems.

However, I feel impelled to finish my trilogy of rhapsodies so let me begin now.

Earlier I talked about tesknota and here is the denouement. It is nostalgia in Polish. That is something Chopin has felt... also something that the protagonist in the movie The Pianist has felt. I do not only feel nostalgia but also the sense of reminiscence. I tend to treasure too much things of the past that I sometimes get inundated by feelings of melancholy and regret.

Let me share with you a composition that I wrote in P2 and the laminated piece of drawing block paper is still pasted on the wall above my desk. I can draw pretty well at that time and it is beautifully illustrated using color pencils.

Once upon a time, there was a little girl. She was very lonely because she had just moved to a new country with her parents. She hoped to have a letter from her grandmother. Her wish came true when Mr Postman send a letter to her home. It was from her grandma. The letter made her think even more of her grandma and of the home she left behind.

Well, my life is immersed in reminiscence. I miss Beijing, Xingnan, RV, and most probably HC after I graduate. I always appears to be cynical of the present but deeply, I know someday I will miss it. I am a person of the past.

I am someone who is very vulnerable and easily assailed by my own emotions. I treasure friends, even those I may never meet again, more than they will ever know it. I feel the sense of gratitude to some people more than what I can or dare to express in words. Everyday, I face a deluge of emotions: exaltation, nostalgia, sadness, disappointment, appreciation, love, anger (but never hatred. I have not possessed it, and hope that I never will). Towards each type of feeling, I think I can write pages and pages of thoughts. They are like the rich aroma of kopi-o, so intangible yet intense.

Emotions are dangerous things. They are capable of hurling me into throes of pain and anguish. And I never feel comfortable sharing my emotional turmoil with even my closest buddy.

Today, I reached my singing teacher house in Queenstown early. I sat at the open air garden, watching pieces of clouds drifting lazily across. Ah! Sunburst, the thin streak of ray, something I loved greatly. Then the silence is disrupted insidiously, I heard the faint sound of piano, it was Bach's minuet from Notebook for Anna Magdalena Bach. The murmur of the instrument echoes and resonates somewhere deep in my memory. It reminds me of the days when I just began learning and pondered how 'twas possible to make an octave jump using that tiny fingers of mine. This is the magical moment, the time I am introduced into the realm of music.

When you are striving for spiritual perfection like music, something so intangible unlike material perfection, it is cultivates your patience, soothes your mind and assuages your pain. When practising with high concentration, 心无旁骛, the music dispels all my thoughts. When playing with feeling, my raging and poignant emotions are dissipated and sublimed into the magic I am making.

What is a better companion than music when night falls and you have no one to talk to?

Too sentimental a person I am. But with the power of music, I am confident to face the potpourri of emotions in life. My heart is forever singing till that fateful day...

Phew! I have lost all my impetus to write on any longer. Ha! I feel free now and my emotions have stopped haunting me. Let me continue to be facetious and not dwell on them any longer...
***
Back to probability:

Case 1: If you taken time off to read my nagging, you have just perused my thoughts just like what I did when I wrote. I am eternally grateful for your care for my well-being. Really...

Case 2: If you have not read, well, I am just the jovial person that you know of!

Let me end with a html code.

!-- End #content --

Ha! Lame enough.

QED.
N.B. Third and last time crapping about my thoughts. Even if you like reading this type of stuff, I will not write on thoughts anymore... It is too hurting to write and hurt me no longer.

Clarification: My life isn't so elegiac as what it sound in this entry. I very much do have an upbeat ambience of life. Look, in any piece of music, to me, there are always more ascending than descending notes. It celebrates life, the most wonderful creation in this world. Emotions are part of it and I enjoy them!

interlude: love

2005-06-09T14:42:00.000+08:00

RTF: Love
dun get it, still dun get it...
recently always hear 我爱你，爱着你，就像老鼠爱大米。
see... do u see the logical fallacy in this? Those who have taken the old SAT will know, the analogy is wrong. Base on this logical flow, you can derive, 我爱你，爱着你，就像老虎爱人肉。
老鼠:大米=老虎:人肉
=> it is promoting cannabalism isn't it?
Now, my revised version: 我爱你，爱着你，就像泰歌爱money。instead of
我爱你，爱着你，就像老鼠爱大米。
Indeed, that is MUCH better.
QED.

rhapsody: appearance

2005-06-07T12:37:00.000+08:00

RTF: appearance vs reality

Q: appearance : reality = x. What is x?

I have a strong yearning these days: to decipher what is real and what appears to be real, to differentiate the apparent from the impalpable, to distinguish between heartfelt expression of emotions and mere demonstration of decorum.

These days have been hot, it has not rained for about 4 days in Yew Tee. When I was walking on the street, I feel like taking my shirt off and let the zephyr gently brush over my body... Nice refreshing feeling... However, I cannot do it. Others will perceive me as eccentric and offbeat. Appearance has triumphed over reality, my true feeling. Since the first day man has used the first piece of leaf to cover his body, we can never forgo appearance as a part of our life.

This reminds me of the story of the Emperor's New Clothes. The tailor has not cheated the king, for he has indeed made the most beautiful clothes in the world, the naked truth of the king himself to be expressed and shown to everyone who have seen him. However, how many of us are willing to accept his offer to be frank with open arms?

Even a child knows that something is wrong.

Listen to the music again... appearance is like the piano and the reality is like the strings. Strings alone cannot weave sounds that touch the mind and piano by itself is just the accompaniment. But together, I have seen it. I have seen Rachmaninov's longing to express his feelings and discovery of an outlet for them in music. It is holistic song of life.

Appearance has so tightly intertwined with reality that within reality lies appearance, and within appearance lies reality.

For the equation, appearance : reality = x, most of us hope that x=0.

You may dedicate your whole life seeking, however, there is no solution for x.

And it is better not to have a solution for x.

QED.

rhapsody: memories

2005-06-06T14:20:00.000+08:00

RTF: memory
Well, in physics, we know that there is the wave-particulate nature of light. i.e. light behaves like both a particle and also a wave. So what is memory? Does memory behave like a wave or particle? Or does it exhibits wave-particle duality too?
Memory is analogous to a particle... Every night when you sleep, you pack the memory into another small satchet (or more accurately, the term 'quanta' should be used) and put it into the little brain of yours. As years go by, your brain do not grow in size but your memory does. As time ticks by, drip by drip, memory accumulates.
Memory is like a wave... Everyday, now and then, the memories crash into you like waves and then reflect off, sending more waves of thoughts radiating from you.
Listen to the music...
In the beginning, when life just begins, you learn and remember little. Like a small stream, memory gathers into a turbulent flow of adolescence. Before you realise, lotus petals have unfold themselves and a lotus of life is in full bloom. During the glorious and glamorous days, life is like an overpowering, overwhelming, pompous and majestic melody. However, like the rolling piano accompaniment in the background, memories have never ceased to come back to you. Gently, slowly, life tapers off... No more splendor, fame,... everything is behind you.
What you have left is just memories...
QED.

diversions

2005-06-04T23:19:00.000+08:00

RTF: why my blog is so lame
it is lame because it is lame because it is lame because it is lame because it is lame because it is lame because it is lame because it is lame because it is lame because it is lame because it is lame because it is lame because it is lame because it is lame because it is lame because it is lame because it is lame because it is lame because it is lame because it is lame because it is lame because it is lame because it is lame because it is lame because it is lame because it is lame because it is lame because it is lame because it is lame because it is lame because it is lame because it is lame because it is lame because it is lame because it is lame because it is lame because it is lame because it is lame because it is lame because it is lame ............................................................................
see the logic? Well if you don't even see the simple truth in this, i will attempt to dabble at more profound thoughts about life, chance, memory and music (which is more crap). Nevertheless, i will still attempt to do it next time. I promise.
QED.

time

2005-06-04T23:16:00.000+08:00

RTF: Why holiday seems so long
during hols=>more time=>eat more=>larger mass=> bending of space-time continuum=>time DILATION
QED.

probability

2005-06-02T12:15:00.000+08:00

RTF: probability of what you are doing
Case 1: If you are not reading my blog, you are cursed by the evil TEDDY
Case 2: If you are reading, i m juz joking
QED.

tips

2005-06-02T12:11:00.000+08:00

RTF: tips on sat
1. You must first sit down while doing the test
sit for sat is directly proportional to tit for tat
2. Pencil and erasers are sine qua non,
Indeed, without them is as good as not going
3. MEMORISE the dictionary
MEMORISE...MEMORISE...MEMORISE
QED. isn't it?

tesknota

2005-06-01T20:31:00.000+08:00

RTF: meaning of tesknota
tesknota=what i m feeling now and probably forever feeling so
QED.

uncertainty

2005-06-01T10:06:00.000+08:00

RTF: Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle
If several identical copies of a system in a given state are prepared, measurements of position and momentum will vary according to known probability distribution; this is the fundamental postulate of quantum mechanics. We could measure the standard deviation Δx of the position measurements and the standard deviation Δp of the momentum measurements. Then we will find that
ΔxΔp>=h/2
where is Planck's constant (h) divided by 2pi. (In some treatments, the "uncertainty" of a variable is taken to be the smallest width of a range which contains 50% of the values, which, in the case of normal distributed variable, leads to a larger lower bound of h/2π for the product of the uncertainties.) Note that this inequality allows for several possibilities: the state could be such that x can be measured with high precision, but then p will only approximately be known, or conversely p could be sharply defined while x cannot be precisely determined. In yet other states, both x and p can be measured with "reasonable" (but not arbitrarily high) precision.
In everyday life, we don't observe these uncertainties because the value of h is extremely small.
QED.
N.B. some physcis, crappings omitted

sianz...

2005-05-31T21:29:00.000+08:00

RTF: Boredom
no working necessary
QED.

...

2005-05-30T14:23:00.000+08:00

RTF: ...
sianz=sianz=sianz
QED.

dance

2005-05-29T22:20:00.000+08:00

RTF: (i)ndian dance
Consider
community center near house
=multicultural events
=[(i)^2]ndian bollywood nite, Using [(i)^2]=-1=negative
=negative work done + whole nite of head shaking, shivering and spasming
QED.
N.B. i love indian music, really... full of ardor, rhythm, vigor and spiritual force

release

2005-05-29T14:36:00.000+08:00

RTF: Learn to let go
舍得
= 能舍 => 才能得
QED.

nature

2005-05-29T12:54:00.000+08:00

RTF: f(Force of nature)=?
f(force of nature)
=rain+wind+gust+storm+clouds
=i m drenched
QED.

sky

2005-05-28T20:26:00.000+08:00

RTF: Why is the sky blue
Consider,
colour of sky not = red, orange, green, indigo, or violet
by Mathematical Induction and IVT,
it is blue.
QED.

sat

2005-05-28T19:43:00.000+08:00

RTF: meaning of SAT
MEANING of sat
=simple maths + profound english
=make u pschotic
=MEAN SAT
just done one SAT mock test.. failed effortlessly
QED.

god

2005-05-28T11:57:00.000+08:00

RTF: what god think of me
Consider,
NATURE and Nature's Law hid in the Night,
God says,
let Newton be,
and All was Light.

NATURE and Nature's Law open in the Light
God says,
let Taige be,
and All was Night.
-Alexandra Pope
QED.

energy

2005-05-28T11:49:00.000+08:00

RTF: i have large amt of energy
Consider E=mc^2
Energy i possess
=(mass of me)(speed of light)^2
=(65)(3x10^8)^2
=5.9x10^18 J (2 significant figures)
Indeed, i have vast amt of energy
QED.

wisdom

2005-05-28T11:39:00.000+08:00

RTF: prove wisdom=wait + hope
Indeed,
integrating left side of ur brain wrt right side=wait
differentiating right side of ur brain wrt left side=hope
wisdom
= your brain
= differenting right side from left+integrating left side of brain with right
= wait + hope
QED.